Nag Less, Pray More

Category: Marriage (Page 1 of 4)

Keeping in a Positive Mental Place

I have always considered myself to be a positive person, but lately I must confess that I have been struggling with negative thoughts. Before I even open my eyes in the morning, my mind begins meandering to worries and worst-case scenarios instead of the greatness of God and the impact of a life well-lived for Him. I dwell on what others think of me and criticize myself about my weaknesses. I feel defeated before I rise.

Instead of allowing the enemy of my soul to hijack my thoughts, I need to focus my mind on the One who is in control and loves me more than I can comprehend. God is longing to bless me and to make each day a meaningful day for Him. Even in my sleepy early-morning restlessness, I need to immediately fix my mind on “whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, and whatever is commendable.” This takes discipline, but I know from experience that it can strengthen me to greet my day with confidence and joy.

What are some morning habits you have developed to keep yourself in a positive mental place? I’d love to hear from you!

Two Months

I was so thankful that my beloved felt up to taking a hike in Upper Bidwell Park with me this week.

Two months ago today, I was in the emergency room with my husband, uncertain of the extent of his brain damage. The number 27 will always stick out in my head as I remember the shock and fear of that day. It was so easy to take it for granted that my husband would always be by my side, but finding him unconscious in a pool of blood on the floor brought that delusion to a screeching halt.

I wish I could say that everything has returned to exactly the way it was before his injury, but I can’t. Double vision plagues him every waking hour. He wears out much more easily. He hasn’t returned to a regular exercise routine. I hesitate to ask him to do much physical labor, concerned that I will fatigue him. We schedule our lives around appointments with specialists. We’re driving three hours away to see a neuro ophthalmologist next week.

Yet, life is richer than ever. I will never take him for granted again. We rejoice in the tiniest bits of progress. We spend rich time together. We appreciate and cherish one another more. We depend on God and one another more than ever to get through each day. We’ve learned the value of rest and patience.

I don’t know how much longer the aftermath of Darren’s accident will endure, but I trust in a faithful God who will carry us through it every step of the way.

Perseverance

It’s now been over six weeks since my husband’s brain injury, and the word that keeps coming to my mind is perseverance. I wanted bring this word into great focus so I looked up the definition. Perseverance is defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary as continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition: steadfastness. My husband and I thought we had learned to persevere in the past, but we find that we still have so many lessons to learn in this area. We thought he would have been healed by now, but that hasn’t been the case.

I’ve really struggled to persevere day after day. I’m sad for my husband and want to make him feel better and “fix” the situation, but that’s beyond my control. I’m tempted to hide from my frustration behind electronics, extra sleep, and even getting angry, but none of those actions will help the situation. All I can do is keep praying, keep understanding, and keep loving my husband. I can’t let our circumstances paralyze me.

My husband’s vision is still double, and he still wears out easily, but I’m so impressed by his determination to get up every day and go to work even when he is tired and disheartened by the lack of improvement in his condition. He still looks for ways to bless me, even when he is going through physical turmoil. He is an example to me of great perseverance.

My husband and I are both runners, and one of my favorite Bible verses to reflect on while I run is Hebrews 12:1-3, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” When my eyes are on my circumstances, I am weary, but when my eyes are on Jesus, I want to continue the race of this life and this marriage, running straight towards Jesus, my perfect example.


Adjusting to a New Normal

It’s been nearly three weeks since my husband’s injury. He and I both expected all to be back to “normal” by now, but that hasn’t proved the case. This week, his fatigue and nausea have increased, and he’s still experiencing double vision all day long. It’s 4 p.m. as I type this, and he is asleep, exhausting after working four hours this morning.

He is constantly apologizing for the changes in our lives due to his accident, but I’m learning more each day to be thankful for everything that happens. We are enjoying extended time together that we never would have in our “normal” lives because he is too tired to go many places and I don’t want to leave him alone. We are learning patience as we navigate through the medical community to get him into the specialists he needs to see as soon as possible. We evaluate every activity to see if we have the energy for it instead of doing everything regardless of the cost to our bodies and sanity.

Our pace of life creeps along comfortably instead of dragging us at breakneck speed. We hug more, sleep more, and appreciate more. What could be better than that?

It’s a Game of Give and Take

I remember being a freshman in high school, wanting a boyfriend, and it just wasn’t happening. A song became popular that consoled me, Phil Collins’s “You Can’t Hurry Love.” It helped me wait for the right man to come along, which wasn’t for another five years, and the final line of the chorus continues to apply to my life, “It’s a game of give and take.”

It’s been nearly two weeks since I found my husband collapsed in the kitchen with his head cracked open. He still has double vision and fatigue. We’ve gone to doctor appointments, had extended periods of rest, and I’ve needed to care for his needs like never before in our marriage.

In the past, I have been the patient, and he has been the caregiver, but now these roles have reversed. It’s an adjustment for both of us, but it has taught us to appreciate one another so much. I will never take for granted all that he has sacrificed in caring for me while I have been sick. He’s learned the helplessness of being the sick one, wanting so much to recover according to his timetable instead of God’s. We are able to understand what the other is going through because of our own past experiences.

After nearly 29 years of marriage, I would have thought that we’d know everything there is to know about the subject. In these uncertain times, we are both learning a boatload of lessons of how to relate to one another and help one another as we go through a time that neither one of us expected to be enduring at this point in our lives. We don’t know what the obstacles are that we have ahead of us, but we are learning that they are best faced together.

A year after my hubby and I began dating, Phil Collins came out with another song that became one of our favorites. and part of its chorus applied way back then and still applies now, “Wouldn’t you agree, baby, you and me, have a groovy kind of love?”

The answer is a resounding yes, through all the highs and lows, bests and worsts, and give and take.

When God’s Plans Differ From Yours

I was supposed to be eating seafood on the beach in Santa Cruz tonight, having just arrived on a five-day getaway with my husband. Instead, I sit home in the dark, listening to the rhythmic snores of my husband on the couch near me, observing him for signs of distress. This is not how I planned to spend the end of 2018.

Real life began its deviation from my idealistic plan six days ago. My husband and I were at church, enjoying the Christmas service on the evening of December 22. As I leaned against my husband, my stomach tossed angrily and I realized my fatigue was worse than the typical “three-days-before-Christmas-tired.” At the end of service, as I began to do my weekly job of supervising sign outs for the children, I pulled the trash can toward me just in time to catch the contents of my heaving stomach. The thermometer confirmed that I had caught a virus. I continued vomiting for the next 24 hours, despite the fact that I had a full to-do list. Our two children and their new spouses were coming over on December 24 for what I had planned to be a picture-perfect Christmas.

Instead, I sat in the opposite corner from the rest of the family to avoid infecting them, getting up often to run to the bathroom. I didn’t get to participate in the board games or chow down on the yummy brunch but merely nibbled at my food and laid down on the couch. It wasn’t what I had pictured, but I consoled myself with the thought that surely this illness would pass before our trip to Santa Cruz…

I did manage to recover enough to go to celebrations at my husband’s brother’s home and my daughter’s in-laws’ home and had an enjoyable yet sedate time. A few hours after arriving home from Christmas dinner, I awoke to the sound of my husband retching. He had caught the virus. I maintained hope that he could recover in time for the trip. I even bought my little shampoo and conditioner bottles in my post-Christmas shopping and mentally began a packing list. I fell asleep that night thinking, “Only two more sleeps until vacation time.”

Just two hours later, I heard heavy breathing coming from the front part of the house. I stumbled down the hallway toward the sound and turned on the kitchen light to find my husband sprawled on the kitchen floor with a puddle of blood forming next to his head. He mumbled, “Dizzy,” and I knew we had to get to the ER. We arrived shortly after 1am and stayed until 4:30. They cleaned his wound, performed a CT scan, and administered IV fluids. They released him to my care and told him to rest and keep hydrated. We drove home and feel into bed, exhausted.

At 7am, he still struggled to maintain his balance, falling twice more, and he began experiencing double vision. Upon the advice of my nurse friend, we returned to the ER. Five hours and another CT scan later, we returned home with no more answers than the first time we went. I did have strict orders to keep him away from screens and supervise him closely, as he had a concussion. We called and cancelled the hotel reservation and were relieved to get a full refund, but my heart was sad.

This morning, instead of packing the car for our beach trip, we drove to the ophthalmologist’s office for an early appointment. I filled out the paperwork while my hubby held his head in his hands. The doctor seemed hopeful that the double vision will resolve with complete rest for days on end. Optimal recovery includes keeping the rooms dark, spending very little time looking at an electronic screen, and sleeping most of the time. I don’t feel comfortable leaving him alone, because I know how hard it is for him to stick to these guidelines.

Life rarely goes like we think it will, and yet we’re always surprised when it doesn’t. I caught myself going down the terrible road of self-pity and am mustering all my willpower to depend on God and look for the lessons and the blessings, and I am finding many. Here are just some of the ones that God has revealed to me.

  • Pinning your hopes on an upcoming event often sets you up for disappointment
  • It will be great to start the new year with getting so much rest in the final days of this year.
  • My children have grown up to be really supportive and loving adults, and I have very kind friends. My son and his wife came over yesterday and cleaned and took down all the Christmas decorations for us. My daughter and many others have been constantly checking on us.
  • Drawing near to God is the best thing I can be doing right now. He is always dependable, and I can’t say that about anything else!There’s no place like home.

I think our family will always remember the last days of 2018 as the days that God had different plans.

Happy New Year!

Nag Less, Pray More

Dear Younger Self,

You may think that your constant reminders to loved ones are helpful, but they are not nearly as efficient as praying on their behalf.   Nobody appreciates being badgered.  In fact, it often drives them away from doing what you want.

Instead, take your concerns straight to the God of the universe who created you and the ones you love and knows the absolute best plan for each person’s life and the absolute best way to motivate each person toward that plan.  The Holy Spirit can convict others so much better than you can.   Trust God’s sovereignty instead of your own determination.

Be the person filled with encouragement  for others instead of the one people avoid because of the negative messages they bear.

This post is part of a  31 Day Blogging Challenge entitled Advice to my Younger Self.  Please click here  to find all the posts in this series.  You’ll be glad you did!

Remember That You and Your Spouse Are on the Same Team

Our wedding day, June 30, 1990

 Still in love 27 years later at our daughter’s wedding

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Younger Self,

You were a starry-eyed bride in 1990, looking forward to an amazing future with your groom.  You had no idea the joys and struggles to come in your marriage.   Many of the problems were caused by immaturity and poor attitudes on your part.  You often jump to the conclusion that your hubby isn’t on your side and you are at war with him.  You need to remember that you are one another’s biggest allies and moving towards the same objectives.

Each day, think of a way to bless him instead of a way to blame him.  Make sure you make him laugh every day.  Forgive him quickly.  Even when life is going at breakneck speed, stop to show him affection.  Complement him in front of others, especially your children.  Remember all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first place.

Marriage is a difficult undertaking, considering the differences between how men and women approach life, but it can be rewarding beyond your wildest dreams if you make the choice to be on the same team!

This post is part of a  31 Day Blogging Challenge entitled Advice to my Younger Self.  Please click here  to find all the posts in this series.  You’ll be glad you did!

Strive for unity more than perfection

Dear Younger Self,

You interact with people often.  When their opinions, decisions, and actions are different from yours, you want to change them.  You reason with, debate, and manipulate in order to get your way.  This is completely unwise.  Do not try to control people.  

Instead, try to approach them on common ground.  Work together for a solution that will satisfy everyone involved.  As long as you don’t have to compromise your character in order to come to a consensus, be willing to negotiate.

You grew up in a household where your dad’s motto was, “Be reasonable; do it my way,” but I think it’s much better to live your life according to 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8a,  “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogantor rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

It is far more important to work together than to be right.

This post is part of a  31 Day Blogging Challenge entitled Advice to my Younger Self.  Please click here  to find all the posts in this series.  You’ll be glad you did!

When you play the blame game, nobody wins

Dear Younger Self,

You have always liked to assign fault for things that happen in life.  It makes perfect sense to you to try to find out who caused a problem and place the blame on that person, but this is not a productive use of your mental and emotional energy.  Blaming yourself, others, or God for actions can cause strife, condemnation, and a negative environment.

I will give you an example that actually occurs in your garage a few years after you are married.  By the time you reach your late 20s, you will have two children, a sweet, timid son and an outgoing, brash daughter, and become a minivan-driving soccer mom.  One morning, you are rushing around in attempts to get the children out the door to one of their activities on time.  You locate the keys, gather the kids’ needed equipment, and fasten each child in their car seat.  Your heart beats faster as you realize you are once again running late.  You close the van doors, hop into the driver’s seat, and turn your key in the ignition.  Instead of the engine roaring to life, the car does not respond.  Your daughter’s sing-song voice pipes up from the back seat, “Whose fault is it this time, Mommy?”

Yikes!  Talk about convicting words!  Sometimes life just happens, and no one is to blame.   Cars break down.  Kids get sick.  Stuff malfunctions.  Even when your day doesn’t go like you expected it to, release your instinct to accuse others in order to justify yourself.   When you work together to find a solution, everybody wins.

This post is part of a  31 Day Blogging Challenge entitled Advice to my Younger Self.  Please click here  to find all the posts in this series.  You’ll be glad you did!

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